8 Years

This weekend, we went out with the neighbors. This is not an unusual thing at all. They're some of my favorite people and unlike some coupleships where the wives get along or the husbands get along, we all have our own friendship. Each one of us can chill together and not feel awkward waiting for one to get back to the table. We all have totally different interest: She loves to shop, I love to craft, her husband loves to ride bikes, my husband likes to paint/play a tabletop game. But together, we form a great friendship where we can just sit at a brewery and hang out. Our husbands both like IPA's. Her and I love ciders.

Until we started hanging out with them, I had no desire to go to breweries unless other people wanted to go. I didn't get it. They were crowded and expensive. Now I get it...they're chill and relax. There are often games, dogs, and food trucks. You don't feel guilty for hanging out there for 2 hours.

This time, I got drunk. It's pretty unusual for me to drink. It was fun but not in a way that I want to do it regularly. In fact, it felt weird to drink. There's a big problem with addiction transfer for post op patients. You have a much higher risk of becoming an alcoholic if you start drinking within the first year of surgery. There's a lot of people I see that warn me of how they gained it all back because they started drinking. I've basically avoided the concept of drinking because I abused my liver with fat for so many years, I don't want to abuse it in a new way.

The next day, I was terrified I had ruined my body. But I didn't crave alcohol, I didn't feel like I needed more. As I sat there reexamining the pictures from the evening, I realized how much had changed over the years. My neighbor and I had a picture from 4 years prior. She was 30 lbs heavier and I was 100 lbs heavier. We looked so much happier now and then I saw the selfie I took with the hubs.

Talk about two different people. We are older, definitely but it was 8 years from when we took the selfie for an engagement photo. Since then, he's lost 100lbs and I have too. It's weird to look at those kids in the picture. Early to Mid 20s, excited and scared. I remember trying so hard to look pretty for the photos and he was goofing around which is unusual for him (sober). I look sad in the photo. I remember hating how I looked, how fat my neck was, how round my cheeks were. Even now, I look at that pretty young face with less scars and less wrinkles and see a sad girl.


Depression runs rampant in my family. It also tends to be higher in those with PCOS and morbid obesity....yay.... When I had the surgery, I was on medication for it. I'm no longer on medication to treat it. I will always struggle with it but daily walking does help a lot and yoga too. I tried these methods before but they didn't touch the darkness. I'm not sure if the change is been all related to the weight or the confidence in myself or just the chemicals in my brain in general but I look at these pictures as trophies. We've both come so far in the past 8 years. Who knows where we'll be in the next 8 years but hopefully, we'll still be happy and healthy!

I'm thankful for...

Every year, my husband's family holds hands and says why they're thankful. It's a tradition we love and hate. We have so much to be thankful for everyday and we acknowledge each other with love and compassion on a regular basis but I married into a family of total introverts. It also is the pressure of saying the right thing.

The Start of Hand Holding. photo by Yanxin Feng

This year, Thanksgiving was larger than previous years. We usually have the immediate family and the grandparents. This year, we had the pleasure of having his uncle and cousins too. Plus we hosted two students from China who had never experienced an American Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law issued the challenge of saying what we're thankful for in one word.

I thought about it all, what am I thankful for in one word?

• My husband is amazing and the best person I could have found. 
• I have a wonderful family both biological and in-laws. 
• Modern medicine saved my life (medications prior to surgery and surgery itself). 
• My animals are forever perfect in my world. 
• I have a good job, reliable cars, and a safe home. 

But more than anything, Vitamins...We take for granted normal absorption prior to surgery.  Post-op, regular blood tests tell us what we are lacking. Even with the 14 vitamins I've been taking daily, I was still low on Vitamin A and Vitamin D.

Vitamin A is commonly known for helping with vision but did you know it also helps with the immune system, reproduction, the heart, lungs, kidneys, and other vital organs...Learn More About Vitamin A Here

Vitamin D has been a more popular research vitamin over the past several years. Yes your body can make it from the sun but as a fair girl, I don't willingly bask in the sun too often. It's vital for calcium absorption but it also helps with the immune system! Learn More About Vitamin D Here

Post Op, those supplements are essential. Failure to abide by daily vitamin regimen and monitor levels could result in hair loss, tooth loss, organ failure, death....

Life after surgery is not for the weak. You are forever taking vitamins...I'm now up to 18/day until my Vitamin A and D get back to better ranges. I would rather take vitamins than medications!

I Still Got It

I've always hated my arms. I remember being in 4th grade and realizing my arms were fatter than other kids. To be fair, I was fatter than other kids. My grandmother had wings. We use to joke that if she would put her arms out the window when driving, it could fly the car...what little punks we were.

Never make fun of someone, you become them. I made fun of my mother's glasses and ended up as blind as her. I made fun of her butt and inherited it. I made fun of my grandmothers arms, and so I ended up with them.

Pudgy Arms 09.23.2017

I should have made fun of someone's rapid metabolism and beautiful toes....

Lessons are always learned the hard way.

While I've lost over 100lbs and several inches on my arms, they are still large. They are still flappy. I do yoga, I use an elliptical, I lift (less often than I should). But they are still flappy. I'll have the excess skin on my arms.

New Arms 11.06.2018

Instead of hating them, I should be embracing them. Nobody has a perfect body, everyone has something they want to change. If we continue to downplay ourselves and our accomplishments, we fail to recognize the person we've become. I was confident enough to want to wear sleeveless clothes even at 300+ pounds but now there's different type of confidence in me.

Embrace those imperfections because you're perfect just the way you are! Until next time ~KM.

Where do I belong?

I went to the gym last night. This is not anything unusual for me but there was an obvious new person working out. My gym is pretty small and I’ve gotten to know the regular 5:00 cardio crowd…

The Obsessive Girl: She normally does 1 very intense hour. Always tan, the perfect loose messy bun, always wears a bright sweat shirt and cute running pants. She does cardio to start and then does some smaller cardio in-between her routine for her weights-legs day 3 days a week, arms 3 days a week. She never misses even though you know she’s busy and always smiles with perfect white teeth as she loudly says “hello!” to those she’s recognized with her earphones still in her ears.

The Grumpy Old Man: He’s retired but still comes at the same time as when he use to work. He looks so serious on the elliptical or the bike. We’ve spoken once several months ago when some Lunks were dropping heavy weights. He continued to show signs of agitation and finally turned to me and said “Unbelievable!” as loudly as possible. Since then, we nod once in a while.

The Dedicated Petite Lady: She’s not naturally petite. She gets on the elliptical and runs while reading. Her blond hair is always up in a tight messy bun and her big blue eyes are searching for where to improve. She’s added weights to her routine now after several months of just cardio. She nods to the elliptical group occasionally but tends to stay to herself.

The Sweat Machine: He’s in his mid 40’s with a crew cut. Works out for hours a day and has lost over a hundred pounds. He’s terrified of gaining an ounce of it back and can’t see what he’s accomplished. His large t-shirt is drenched with sweat and his shorts are stuck to him because of it. Always wears tube socks pulled up and old sneakers that have been used to beyond their acceptable amount. He takes the spray bottle for wiping the machines down and puts it at his machine. He cleans it before but not after. It grosses us all out the amount of sweat that is left on the machine and annoys us all that he takes one of the 3 spray bottles strategically placed but we all are proud of him and won’t say anything to him. Even though the gym now has signs up to clean machines AFTER use, no one will say anything. He’s by far the most social of the group, saying hello to folks and complimenting people as they go. Telling people occasionally how proud he is of us.

The Big Builder: He’s got a scowl on his middle aged face and his thicker dirty blond hair is pulled back with a dark sweat band. He’s tall, really tall and heavy but never does regular cardio-occasionally a bike for 5 minutes to warm up. Lifts high power amounts at a time and stands around recovering and looking in the mirror for long periods of time. He has a plan. I haven’t figured it out yet but he has one. He never says hello, nods, or even smiles to the rest of us.

The Sweat Hard/ Try Hard/ Exhausted Newbie: She’s heavy and has lost weight but she tries so hard. She wears the loose fitting black pants and baggy t-shirt. And she’s always got the exhausted positive attitude. Unlike the rest of us, she uses a trainer. He tells her exactly what to start on and where to go and she follows. Even though you can see her tiredness as she sits on the bike for 5 minutes between medicine balls and ropes, she is focused. This time is her time. She is going to beat obesity. She’s lost weight in the past few months and is gaining confidence but asks the trainer about everything. She says hello occasionally but normally watches the trainer.

The Desperately Seeking His Youth Man: He’s short. He’s stout but dammit he’s going to get back into his college sweats. He’s clearly recently divorced but not bitter about it. He’s living up the single life now. He is loud and makes jokes but he’s on that treadmill when he wants to come. He’s the social butterfly making sure that everyone acknowledges his hello.

When I started going to this gym, I was 315lbs. I would do 20-30 minutes on the elliptical and I would go home. I would regularly go for about 3 weeks then not go for another month or two. Since the surgery, I’ve continued this regular off and on. I guess I’m the Scattered Attendance Girl.

But my routine has changed. I use to go in and only do the elliptical. There were 3 of them so Grumpy Old Man, Dedicated Petite Lady, and myself usually occupied them for the 5:00 hour. Now, I’ve changed it up. I ran on the treadmill last night. Dedicated Petite Lady was working on her arms, and Grumpy Old Man was on the bike. They looked lonely without us. Our ellipticals were free for the taking and the new girl got on one.

It started to make me wonder. We’re all in this ever evolving health/wellness/fitness world. What will a new person think of our crowd? Will they watch us? What is my position in this group to them? I don’t look like the dying morbidly obese woman I was once. I am still obese but JUST OBESE. Do they look at me and see me as just a chubby girl or am I more normal looking?

I often feel like I’m in disguise. People that are now meeting me can’t imagine me big. People that have known me for years that haven’t seen me in a while have a hard time believing it’s me. I still feel huge and tiny at the same time. I’m down to a 2x pants and they’re big. I can wear Large unisex shirts and XL women’s shirts. I feel like I’m faking this world. My closet is no longer 26/28’s but instead 18/20’s and I feel still so big. But yet, we’ll continue.

WT: 215.8...just Obese. Class 1 obese. 

Class 1 Obese. First time in 12 years. 10/18/19
(Sorry for the hair, it was midnight, I was crafting)

̷I̷'̷m̷ ̷n̷o̷ ̷l̷o̷n̷g̷e̷r̷ ̷a̷ ̷c̷o̷w̷.̷

I love rewriting songs sometimes. I find myself doing it in the shower most of the time but occasionally, after a difficult client, I do it to numb what I might have just seen or heard. Recently, I made a new version of Hey Ya and I got some flack from my best friend about one of my lines. Below is the modified version.

My tummy don’t mess around
Cause it holds five ounces
This I know fo sho!
But does it really wanna
But can’t wait too long or it will roar
Don’t try to fight the feeling
Because the thought of hunger is killin’ me right now
Thank God for Dr. Sharp
For cutting my tummy out
I’m healthy now
Heyyyyy yaaaa Heeyyy Yaa

In the original version, I said "Thank God for Dr. Sharp, I'm no longer a cow."

I laughed when I wrote it because I felt it was true. Over the past couple of months, I've started really feeling normal/small. I don't feel I stand out anymore. I'm just one of the folks.

I've always had an affinity for cows. I once wore a tiara and pointed to my head and said "um, seriously, I'm a dairy queen." It fit with the joke we were making at the time. When I was getting married, I made different invitations for different people. For one of my friends, I wrote "He's finally buying the cow!" and I didn't think anything of it.

I've also had comfort with the word fat. I think being afraid of a common word doesn't help anyone. I know enough Spanish to know that some of my clients have called me fat before, some have called me a cow.... It's okay.

When I was on Lexapro for depression, I gained 10lbs. I told my doctor that I was okay with the weight gain because "I'd rather be fat and happy than fat and miserable." She was so upset that I had used the word fat to describe myself. At 320lbs, there's no one that would call me thin or truly healthy. I would have friends try to say "You're not THAT big" but reality is I was very unhealthy. Even if I could dance, do the elliptical, do yoga, my body was sick. I was prediabetic(or diabetic depending on which chart you look at), hypertensive, depressed. My BMI was 51+.

Just because I was and still am fat (depending on who you ask...), I'd rather be called fat than morbidly obese. By trade, I can calculate BMI pretty well. I knew I was class 3 morbidly obese. To me, that's a lot more toxic to my head than being "fat" or a "cow." Why? because fat and cow or elephant or huge are all matter of opinion. I see someone that's my height and 220lbs as "so small!" but in reality, they're class 2 obese or "severely obese."

When someone says something that's mean, they should be ashamed of themselves. If someone says something in jest, I'm not offended. People often say "You're so skinny!" to someone as a compliment but you also hear people say it as an insult as if it's in disgust. I read a lot of weight loss posts where people complain that their family tell them they're getting too small or are too skinny and they tell them in disgust. That's just as bad as saying "You're so fat" in a mean way.

I guess what I think people should take away from this post is sometimes, it's okay to find humor in situations and don't take it all too seriously but be kind with your words. My friend that was hurt by the original wording is self conscious about her weight currently and because I saw it hurt her, I changed it. That's okay too because I would never want to willingly offend anyone.

Be kind. rewind.

WT: 220.6

Things I Miss About Being Fat

Yes, you read that right! There are actually things that I miss about the fat life. It's weird, when you're going through the process of weight loss surgery, you can't imagine anything better than the skinny life. You tell yourself "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."  You look at the clothes and see that 2 or 3 at the first number and can't wait for the day for it to be a 1 or a single digit number. But the longer this life has gone on, the more I miss 3 things.

1) Being able to hide in public. There's an amazing amount of people that avoid eye contact when you're larger. First off, shame on them. If they don't do eye contact at all, cool, doesn't bother me. But there have been numerous times that I saw them make eye contact or smile to my skinnier friend and act like I wasn't in the room at all. As annoying as it was at the time, there are some days I miss it. There are days when you go out and you just want to be invisible. You want to go in a store and not be asked for help. You want to not be part of the crowd, you want to not exist. I'm not talking in a depressed kind of way but there are days we all just feel like we want to be alone. After I got below 230, it became harder and harder to avoid the eye contact. You also can't just look down because people say "Are you okay?" or some old man says "Smile, sweetie." Ugh...

2) The cushion in padding. HOLY CRAP. I totally underestimated the knottyness in bones. I'm a side sleeper and I have to have a pillow between my knees now. How do skinny people do this? I started needing that pillow by 280...I hate standing with my hands on my hips and feeling my hip bones. At first it was pretty cool, feeling them for the first time in ten years. Now, I want to wear padded pants so they aren't there. And that collar bone...I use to shrug my shoulders forward to see them...now I see them in all shirts. To be honest, I'm still fascinated by them unless I have to touch them. Oh dem bones dem bones.

3) Lastly and most importantly, a slice of pizza! At some point in my life, I'll be able to eat a full slice again. I truly took it for granted being able to go to a buffet, eat a slice of cheese and a slice of something else. I know I'm not suppose to eat pizza but occasionally, I want it. I've learned that it's better to eat something than to completely avoid it. Yes there are slider foods but life is too short to not eat a slice occasionally. It's one of my favorite foods, always has been and always will be. One day....maybe not a full slice like this but isn't it a beauty? Happy 2 years since this lovely slice.

Michelangelo's Pizza. Swansboro, NC 8.27.16

While I miss these things, there are so many more things I don't miss....Until next time! ~KM

WT: 225 lbs (-96lbs!!!!)

Vacation Numero Dos

Today, I'm recovering from a week of vacation.

My bonus family always goes to the outer banks for their annual vacation. Every year, I've been invited and I usually can't go for the whole week but this year, I was able! I get along swimmingly with my in laws. I hear these horror stories from people about how awful their sister in law is or their mother in law and I can't even imagine it.

The hubs comes from a big family, the oldest of 4. All of them are adults are now but when I started dating him, the baby was only 9. I love her so much and had the pleasure of watching her grown into this amazing woman. Whenever I suggest something crazy, she goes along with it and is big on family too. She pushes me to go outside my comfort zone as well. I might say no to hubs but I won't say no to her.

This week was a week of firsts for me. A couple of years ago, my newest sibling and I went on a random journey traveling around the island. It was stormy out and thank goodness because the lighthouse was closed. I didn't tell her then but I wasn't eligible for climbing it. I was over the 260lbs limit.

Bodie Lighthouse 2016

I was going to make the most of this trip and my goal was to climb a lighthouse! The siblings were all interested too which made my heart smile. We rushed there and bought our tickets. Had roughly an hour to waste so we drove into town and visited a fudge shop. While we were there, I ran into an old friend from 4-H (I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS! So great to see their success) who gave us some insight on climbing Jockey's Ridge. We had 20 minutes to climb it and get back down and to the truck...and we did it! When we got back to Bodie, the storms had rolled in and we couldn't climb it.

Top of Jockey's Ridge 2018

The next day, we went to Hatteras to climb...a much taller lighthouse. I did it!!! I hadn't climbed a lighthouse since I climbed Hatteras in 1994. At the top, I was tired but it was worth it.

Top of Hatteras 2018

Baby sister had rented bikes for the week. She had not ridden a bike in a few years and I had not ridden a bike since I was her age soooooooo....At one point in the week, I started to feel dehydrated and said I was going to go to the store and she said "I'll go! We can take the bikes!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I rode a bike over a mile for a Powerade Zero. Yes...I didn't die. I didn't fall. I did grip those handlebars as tightly as possible and I almost was attacked by a family of geese but I didn't die!

My method for carrying a drink

Our adventures didn't stop there! We went out to Ocracoke and visited the lighthouse there as well as walked around the area. I sat at an outdoor table without the fear of it breaking.

But the craziest part for me was looking at comparisons...I looked over and my sister and hubs were wearing the same shirts from a year prior so we recreated the photo. Family photos are no longer a mental struggle for me!

2017 vs 2018

While I still need to focus on doing better sometimes, I also need to rejoice in how far I've come!


WT: 247 lbs....(-74lbs!) UNDER 250!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since 2009!!!!

What's my weight again?

Can we cue that to some Blink 182 music?

I went out, it was a Friday night. 
I wore a dress, cause I was feeling light. 
We started eating food and I wish I had sweatpants 
But then I realized I was full....

And that's about the time it got away from me
Nobody likes you stupid tummy
And you're in pain with only seven bites 
What the hell is steatorrhea
I feel like I should weigh again
What's my weight again? 

Last week, I went on vacation. I went on A CRUISE! It was my first cruise, not my last. I had an amazing time but the main reason, I challenged myself. Over the past 10 years, I have not lived. I've been putzing through the world on autopilot and sure I would die by 40-45. I have a fear of rides but this cruise ship had a crazy slide I knew I needed to try. You had to weigh under 275 to do it. The day I left, I was 255.

Day 1, too chicken. Day 2, too chicken. Day 3, too chicken (see my pattern). Day 4....brave enough. Why not do it now? I see these kids having a great time. I knew the rules, nothing that could scratch the slide, weigh less than 275. I climb the three flights of stairs, go past the kiddy slide, go past the adult slide, get to the monster free fall slight, wait, wait wait. Watching everyone, I knew what to expect, cross arms lay back, scream a little. Finally my turn, I walk up towards the side I would be on and the guy says "wait. get on the scale." Slightly mortified, but I knew I was under the limit. 255. Whew. He looks me over and says "No hairclips, go down the green slide (The slide the next level down)."

Okay, I missed my clip for my bangs. Foolish... but the girl in front of me with braids had beads in her hair, he didn't weigh her or make her take them out. Fine. I go down the adult slide.

Again, I climb back up, no hair clip in now. Wait wait wait. "Get on the scale." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I was 20 pounds under. I get on. 257. He rolls his eyes and examines me for a reason not to let me go again. Then hesitantly, opens the door for me to climb in. I listen to the instructions, cross my arms, take a deep breath, and wait for the bottom to fall out from below me.

It was terrifying but I did it.

What I took away from this experience is that people can still be asses but I can't change them. They utilize whatever slight power they have to knock you down. He had no idea I had lost 60lbs. He had no idea that this was a huge step for me. He had no idea that I had weighed myself almost daily for two weeks ensuring I was still under 275. There was no reason to deny me and my weight was not holding me back. TAKE THAT GUY.  But more importantly, don't be afraid of a number. Worst that could have happened was I was denied and I'd have to wait for another chance one day. He made me feel big again and yeah, I'm still big...but he made me feel huge. There were people all around me that were probably my weight. A gentleman that was taller than me and probably closer to the 275...not weighed. The girl beside me that was shorter but wider...not weighed. I was targeted and after while it was frustrating at the time, there was a slight confidence in my step when I got on that scale each time knowing it wouldn't be my weight holding me back.

More and more events will happen in my life where my weight will no longer hold me back but it's up to me to remember how far I've come.

In other cool news, I held a sloth...I snorkeled...I parasailed...I swam with dolphins and manatees...I visited ruins. I did the works! I ate around the clock to get my protein in and...I lost weight!

Ruins, Parasailing with Sister, Slothing, Snorkel with Sister, Riding a Dolphin

Now, back to work for another week before my next vacation :)

But She Persevered

Recently, I graduated with my masters. MY MASTERS!!!!

66lbs lighter and one piece of paper heavier!

This is a big deal to me. 3 years ago, I was sitting at my office and watching another great nutritionist leave the clinic. They made the comment of "Don't wait on it, just act. You can go back to school but you have to do it. No one else will do it for you." That evening I started researching schools and programs and by the Fall of 2015, I was enrolled full time in night classes. 3 years, twice a week, no summer vacation...just classes. Not only did I change my focus from nutrition to business, but I graduated with honors, was inducted into honor society, and had a 4.0 GPA. This is a far fetch from my 2.7 undergrad.

Why do I brag about this? Well mainly cause I'm damn proud, but also because it was a moment when I proved to myself that I could do it!

There are so many days when you're going through this journey that you get frustrated and want to give up. Our cultural and social events are centered around food and beverages. There's a reason people gain 5-7lbs between Thanksgiving and New Years.  And each time something happens, someone wants to remind you that you're different even if it's good intentions.

Mom: "I was going to make chicken casserole but know you can't eat it, what can I make for you?"
Me: "Chicken casserole."
Mom: "But you can't have it."
Me: "I'll make it work."

Friend: "I was going to bring a bottle of wine but remembered you can't drink. What should I bring?"
Me: "A bottle of wine."
Friend: "But you can't drink"
Me: "But other people can."

To be fair, I wasn't much of a drinker before the surgery. It's just a better excuse now! 

There were so many times during school that I wanted a break. How nice would it be to not spend my Sunday's at the college with a study group? How nice would it be to not take a summer class? But I  persevered. The same will be with my weight. My goal is 170. That's 150+ lbs of weight loss... It might take longer than I want. It might be quicker than I hoped. But I will continue.

Until next time...I will continue!

Wt: 255

New Wedding New Hair

Last week, I was so fortunate to be in my roomie's wedding. We lived together from 2003-2006. When I say she was my perfect roommate, it's an understatement. If we ever are single again at the same time, I'm moving to her location because she's so awesome. Last year, she met her match and they saved their first kiss for their wedding...so stinkin cute!

When she asked me to be in her wedding, she knew I was doing surgery and said no biggie for the dress. She gave us a color and told us we could get whatever style we wanted. I ordered a size 24 dress with a slightly mesh top and it was too big. Yes that's a good thing but oh no...wedding in 3 weeks. The next size down only had 3 options in a size 22 in stock in my color. When it came in, bra options were going to be a struggle. Mom saved the say!

This weekend, my sister in law got married. Back to back weddings meant multiple fancy dresses. I was able to wear the same outfits for rehearsal dinners and for weddings but I decided to change it up a bit by cutting my hair.

Hair loss tends to occur around 3 months after weight loss surgery. This was no different for me. My hair has always been on the finer, thinner side. It's now just more thin. I've also always had no attachment to my hair. If I want it short, I cut it short. Hair grows back, the DS life is no exception. It might be thinner, it might be weaker but it'll grow back for the most part. The key to regrowth is maintaining adequate protein and vitamin intake.  It's recommended to consume at least 80g of protein daily.

To be fair though, I'll take a little hair loss for the happiness I had at these weddings. I felt so thin!

03/31/18 vs 04/07/18

My hubs was in rare form during his sister's wedding...He did this beautiful chalk drawing for them and I had to clean it. 

Wt: 272 lbs (-49....seriously....49? so close!)

Feeling Deflated

I can honestly say that I see a difference in my stomach. I have a surgery mate that I share my tummy photos with and today I noticed that it's very obvious that my stomach is smaller.

Day after surgery 1/4/18
1 week after surgery 01/12/18
Today 02/26/18

Denise told me I would see it at odd times and it's for sure. I still can't eat much at a time and struggle to get my protein in at times but overall, it's quite encouraging. 

My bonus mom told me yesterday I need new pants because the ones I've been wearing are "too big." It's been years since something was too big....but I don't want to spend on new clothes. 

There was really no reason for this post other than to share that picture. Sometimes it's slow but it's going! Slow and steady wins the race. 

WT: 285 lbs (-36 lbs)

I'd like to thank

And the award goes to....

My husband
My momma
My daddy
My bonus momma
My sister
My Denise, Antoinette, and Victoria
My bonus family
My grandparents
My classmates
My crazy friends

Have you ever watched those award shows and wonder what you would say? I really have been so blessed to have so many great people in my life but this recovery has proven that time and time again!

Surgery was a month ago. I'm back at work full time and feel really good. Right now, I'm on soft solids but will be on regular solids soon. Diet wise, it's still a lot of protein supplements. I'm kind of in love with zucchini and it's versatility as well as ricotta. I've been mixing some unflavored protein in my ricotta items because....why not?

My office has been really supportive. I'm not losing nearly as fast as I thought I would but they keep making me feel amazing. I've had people that had surgery around the same time as me lose about 10-15lbs more than me but my journey is not their journey.

I seriously could not have gone through this stuff without my group. My mom and dad stayed with me for a little over a week. I was in a bit of pain and discomfort but I tried to limit the pain medication. When they say "walk walk walk, sip sip sip" they mean it! Walking helped a lot to get the gas out but dang if it didn't get annoying.

My husband is always a trooper. ALWAYS. When I complain, he listens. When I ask for support, he gives it. He always flatters me by buying into my delusions. My bonus family also came to visit and have been giving supportive messages throughout the recovery. I really appreciate them.

My bonus mom has been my #1 cheerleader. When I told her about it originally, she was not into the idea but she sent me an email later after reading a story and she's stuck by it. She's rallied the troops and reminded my loving husband to tell me how awesome I'm doing.

My friends have always been great but if it wasn't for Denise, I would have been too scared to ever do this. She gave me hopes of true success with WLS and has had excellent insight for how to handle certain situations. Antoinette and Victoria have been my two closest since we were 18 and have never failed to be supportive in anything I've done. They're both wedding planning and still find time to check on me! There are so many good people in my life and I can't list them all there but if you know I'm talking about you, you can nod your head right now.

I'm still having days where I can't believe Rob isn't here and I still watch food videos hoping to send them to him but I've cut back on my food po.rn consumption since we lost him.

If you have one person that loves you unconditionally in life, you're lucky, if you have more than one, you're blessed.

2 weeks Post Op vs 1 month Post Op:

WT: 287 lbs (-34 lbs)

Keep on smiling!

I wonder

When I was a youth, one of my favorite songs was Chris Isaak's "I wonder." Dad had made a guitar for his lead guitarist and there was a connection between the Baja Sessions CD and my heart. This song was a good sit and cry song. It's beautiful lyrics and music but it always made me think about the future. 

Today, I'm going to a funeral of my friend, Rob. He came into my life via my sister. Originally, a good friend of her friend, Nikki...still saved in my phone as "Rob Jen's Friend via Nikki." He was a mechanic and did work on my car but more importantly, he was a good friend and a great guy. He might give you shi.t for whatever stupid request was made but he was always there. 

Rob was diagnosed with melanoma a while back. He's been going through treatments for over a year and we've seen some hard moments with lesions on the brain and some good moments like a few weeks ago when the experimental treatment he had been going through was seeing great results. But even though he's been super sick, he's been there for us all. 

The last time I saw Rob was at our family tree trimming. He drove 3 hours to eat some cookies with us, experience the torture of my friends, and decorate a tree. I saw him on a pretty frequent basis, a couple times a month. We weren't huggers but for some reason, we hugged good bye that night. I had no idea it was the last time I'd ever see him alive. 

Since surgery, Rob and I have communicated almost daily via food videos. I've been watching Delish nonstop and always send the good ones to him. He has a passion for good food but doesn't cook for himself. He use to drive down to my sisters and would fix her car for a home cooked meal. Each time he's reacted to them or said something about how he would eat it. Occasionally, he'd send me a video. I honestly don't know what to do now that he's gone. It's become so second nature to torture myself with this food por.n but he's the only one I share it with. He's left a big hole in all our hearts. We're going out to eat to celebrate his life. I'm not sure what I can eat but it'll be Italian, he was Italian. This will be my first time dining out since surgery and it's not a reason I want to do it. Oh Rob...

Rest in Peace Buddy. I'll miss you terribly. 

Rob Sorvillo 3/12/77-1/12/18

"When I was younger I believed that dreams came true
Now I wonder
'Cause I've seen much more of dark skies than of blue
Now I wonder

I keep on praying for a blue sky
I keep on searching through the rain
I keep on thinking of the good times
Will they ever come again?

Now I wonder"