Just a grown up girl

I had a job interview this week.  This is a HUGE deal. I've been searching for almost a year and have had very little luck.

Currently,  I'm a nutritionist but I want to be in human resources.  Most companies have sent the rejection email almost instantly.  I've had a few that kept me in the maybe pile for a couple of weeks.  One company was interested in me last May but didn't have an HR position and wouldn't hire me in a lower level position.  They said it could take 6 months to a year to have an opening and suddenly... they have one 8 months later. 

After I found out about the interview,  I had a slight panic. WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR!? When you're big, you have limited shopping options especially last minute. None of my clothes that look professional enough fit (Luckily too big). When I was larger, size 26/28, I knew I could turn to Lane Bryant to get me looking professional and nice but they were expensive. Even if you're lucky enough to find some pants in the clearance section that fit, they're still $30. Dress barn was often a little too tight for me. Belks had some stuff but never affordable. I could find a nice pair of slacks for $50 on sale. My mother swears by Belks and often finds some great deals. 

Unless I was already prepared, I knew a professional outfit was going to cost me $100 not including shoes. I don't have a lot of shoes. I keep one pair of peep toe heals that are white, I bought a pair of beige flats for one wedding and a pair of silver flats for another. 

During lunch, I ran to Belks to try on some stuff this time. So much of it fit! And so much was on sale! I get it mom...I totally get it. I ended up getting a pair of navy jeans and a nice top for $20...but not interview outfit (More of future work attire for this company). After work, I started to really panic. I only had one more night to figure it all out and get it ready. I ended up going to multiple standard stores, Banana Republic, NY & Co, Talbots, even Lane Bryant. No luck with an outfit BUT the clothes in these stores fit me now! My butt is still a little big for the 16s but the tops were all fitting. 

I ended up running into Dress Barn. My heart was crushed because they had some great pants that were on clearance but just a little tight. The girl told me to go to the Women's shop and try on 14w's. I looked at her in disbelief. I can wear a 16w but they were a little big in the butt but no way I could fit in a 14w. But I tried it and guess what, it FIT! I found this adorable dress on clearance for $10 (not for an interview just to wear again) and got a pair of slacks too.

$10 Dress! 

Lastly, I went to Cato's and I scored! I found a nice blazer on clearance, an undershirt, a tank top for everyday wear, and a blue work shirt for under $50 total. I ended up with 3 new work outfits and an interview outfit for less than a normal 1 outfit. Being thinner is so much cheaper!

Grown Up Clothes 

Wishing myself good luck in acting like a grown up today! I so want this job, it would be the best opportunity to get into a growing company with lots of potential and HAPPY COWORKERS!

Eeeek....

Wt: 202.0 

I cried today

I can sometimes have a difficult job.  It's not hard physically but emotionally.  This week,  I had to counsel a kid that was impregnated by rape by a relative. Not an adult or a teen,  a kid. 

I've had to counsel 4 pregnant children in my years there. It is never easy and always draining but this was my hardest one because I had her as a toddler.  I remembered her as a 4 year old.  I even remembered her from last summer when she came in with her younger siblings.  I've known her for 10 years and had no idea she was in danger of any sorts. 

Each sad situation always leaves a scar on my heart but this cut the deepest.  Knowing that there was nothing I can do to make it better for her.  I cannot imagine what she has been through and faced more in her years than anyone ever should.  Her innocence was taken from her way too young.  I kept thinking "I was still playing with barbies then."

I don't usually cry in my job.  I often forget what happened at the office by the time I get home.  It's not that I'm cold hearted or unsympathetic,  it's just how I've learned to adjust and cope. After this child left, I cried. I cried at work. I cried in the car. I cried at home. I am still tearing up thinking about her. It wasn't nonstop crying but it was random outburst of tears. My husband and I were suppose to have a date night and I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out in public because my heart was aching so bad for her. 

For many years,  I ate my feelings. Now, that option is unavailable. I turned to online shopping as a method of coping. Before I knew who the girl was that I would be counseling, I was informed that I had an 11 year old. I ended up buying the dishes in Georgia. After the counseling session, I bought salt shakers and almost bought another set of dishes I would have to get from West Virginia....

Eventually, I pulled myself together. I started thinking of other ways to help her and her family. What options did we have in public health that would get her the help she needs. Could I find coloring books for the siblings? Could I gather money or sponsors for a gift card for the mom?

Sometimes we have to recenter. We have to be mindful and reflect but also be logical and understanding your own triggers. When I feel like I have no control in a situation, I turned to something I could control, food...shopping...Each challenge brings a new area to work on and I think I'll forever be working on something about myself.

Until next time
WT: 205.2

I wanna be like youuuuu

My sister told me today she wished she was more like me and it threw me off. I think of myself as a total scatter. She's a tidy person and easily focused. I'm more of an organized clutter, incredibly creative type. 

I tend to be obsessive, sometimes irrationally obsessive.  Prime example was this week... for my father in law's birthday,  the kids are replacing his kitchen stuff at his river house. I hunted down the perfect replacement dinnerware, at least ten sets and found some about 45 minutes away. Nice,  high quality,  discontinued Pfaltzgraff set... for $80.

When I picked it up,  I fell in love with it.  It matched my kitchen perfectly.  I ended up obsessing over it to the point that I found a set 6 hours away from home and went ahead and bought them... understanding I would need to drive 6 hours to pick them up. 

This set is also for 10 people... but the most I ever host is 8. Usually,  only another couple or my family... also,  driving to Atlanta and back in one day is a little crazy.

I already have nice Corelle dinnerware.  It doesn't match my kitchen but it matched my love for red ten years ago.  And when I bought it,  I bought 32 sets of it.  Yes... 32 sets.  Because we were going to use it at my wedding (justified reason). I also purchased 32 sets of silverware at this time.  I remember growing up,  we had a lot of plates because a family of 4 can dirty 12 easily in a day. 

My sister has 8 sets of matching dinnerware- she liked it,  it was on clearance,  done deal.  This is practical.  I don't need more than this either but nope, I have 32 sets of Corelle every day dinnerware,  a new to me 10 sets of Pfaltzgraff (with canisters and tea kettle and all), and lastly,  an 8 person set of fine China... with napkin rings,  ashtrays,  juice glasses- the works.

I'm aware of the research.  More stuff is not a good thing no matter how great of a deal it is.  But we all have our traits. 

I made shirts for the trip...

My sister saw my crazy idea as "I wish I was that adventurous." I decided to make the day out of it.  Denise is going with me and we're going to the aquarium.  Make the most out of my dumb ideas.

I don't want my sister to want to be like me. We are all the way we are for a reason.  I would love to be more rational.  She is who she needs to be and I think living in my head for a week would exhaust her.

Life is a journey and it's too short for regrets and wishing we were someone else.  Taking the day and loving ourselves for who we are is better than obsessing on the flaws of what we aren't.  I think learning to treasure our oddities help us see what we bring to the table.  I bring over 50 sets of dishes to the table ;)

Until next time. 

Wt: 207.6

If I were a ̶b̶o̶y̶

So the fasting has been going pretty well. I definitely have room for improvement but it's easier when I go to work. I get my unsweet tea in the morning then drink on it and water for a few hours. Around 9-10, my stomach growls but I tell it to quiet down some. By noon, I have been trying to eat and go for a walk. The challenge is going to be the holidays. My mom loves to cook and feed us. She is an outstanding cook but I have a hard time saying no to good food. 

To cope with the stress of the candy and popcorn exposure at work, I've been working on some of my songs. For some reason, Beyonce popped into my playlist earlier and it make me think a smidgen. I've never thought about what it would be like to be a boy or a man. I know that I would have my own challenges but men and women think differently. What I have thought about is how much would be different if I was naturally thin. 

If I were skinny

Even just for a day

I’d roll out of bed in the morning

And throw on cute clothes and go

Eat junk with the guys

And shop with the girls

I’d buy what I wanted

and never get confronted

cause no one would ever know

If I were skinny

I think I could understand

How it feels to be a big girl

I swear I’d have a better plan

I’d be nice to everyone

Cause I know how it hurts

When you’re blamed for every taste

And judged for every outfit

Even though you’ve always tried

There's so much research out there about how people think fat people are lazy and just don't try hard enough. I can tell you that I've had my own personal moments where I blame everything on my laziness. There are times I could have tried harder but I also believe in destiny. I think I needed to be larger in my younger years. I'm a pretty girl and I'm very social. If I had been skinny in college, I believe I would have gotten into more trouble. I would have not valued my friends as much and they are my second family. I think I was destined to be larger to have more empathy for other people. I was told years ago I couldn't have kids and I'm a nutritionist with low income pregnant and postpartum women. I can empathize with so many of my clients for some of the struggles they've faced. 

I also think I wouldn't value challenges as much. I saw this weight loss as the next part of my life. I had almost finished grad school when I decided it was time. I'm an obsessive person so I needed something new to obsess on for a while. Everything does happen for a reason and while I know the feeling of being a big girl, I also know I don't regret a single thing in my life. All of it has led me to where I am now, to who I've become, and to the life I've developed. 

If I had been smaller, I would have never gotten so close to Brooke and formed a long lasting friendship. If I had not been friends with Brooke, I would not have met Bran, we would not have the life we've built. I know he would have found another girl but I think I've made him a better person and we've adopted two wonderful dogs that bring us great joy. I can't imagine where their lives would be or if they would have made it to adoption because one is a jerk....my favorite jerk though. 

So while it's sad to read the lyrics of the song, I'm glad I wasn't naturally thin. I'm glad I've had the struggles I've faced and I'm happy to be me. 

But it would be nice to get below 200 one day ;) 

Where's that motivation?

Recently, I’ve been all aboard the diet struggle bus. I know there are lots of people on this ride but it’s hitting me hard. I’ve gained 4lbs in the past two weeks. My weight fluctuates a lot, up 2, down three, up one, down one. It can’t make up its mind but this is the first time it’s up and staying up. It’s gone up one pound, then two, then four.

So what is a girl to do? Focus on the negative? Not getting all my protein in, eating too many carbs, slacking on my exercise?

Yeah, I did all that.

But I also want to look at what I’m doing right. I’m being honest with myself. I weigh 215lbs today. That’s my highest in a month. 2 weeks ago, I almost broke that 210 barrier.

Today, I attempted my first intermittent fast. It went well, I didn’t die. I broke the fast at 12:02pm. But in my hunger, I ate something I shouldn’t eat…popcorn. That’s okay though! I went for a walk and got better choices in my Chipotle’s Kids meal. I ate all my salsa which is essentially veggies in my world. I also ate all my beans and I didn’t get a big bag of chips, I ate the tiny bag (10 whole chips!). I didn’t eat it quickly, I took my time, savored my meal. Sadly, I ate more popcorn after…

My goal was originally go to my favorite vinyl store after work. It closes at 6pm but instead, I’m going to hit up the gym. Remind myself that it’s okay to enjoy the run. Then I’ll go home and enjoy crafting a bit.

I prepared this morning. I brought 2 protein shakes and was going to have one to break my fast. I prepared for my nourishment but I didn’t prepare for the foods people would be bringing into work.  Tomorrow I will be better prepared. Drink the shake before leaving my office even if it means going to lunch later. 

We have a plan. Repeat: WE HAVE A PLAN.

Time to get with it!

On a more positive note: This is the difference in a year! We have an abundance of short people in our group of friends and I tend to be in the back of the photos. This time I wanted to be seen!

Stewart Family Tree Trimming Group Shot 2017 to 2018

8 Years

This weekend, we went out with the neighbors. This is not an unusual thing at all. They're some of my favorite people and unlike some coupleships where the wives get along or the husbands get along, we all have our own friendship. Each one of us can chill together and not feel awkward waiting for one to get back to the table. We all have totally different interest: She loves to shop, I love to craft, her husband loves to ride bikes, my husband likes to paint/play a tabletop game. But together, we form a great friendship where we can just sit at a brewery and hang out. Our husbands both like IPA's. Her and I love ciders.

Until we started hanging out with them, I had no desire to go to breweries unless other people wanted to go. I didn't get it. They were crowded and expensive. Now I get it...they're chill and relax. There are often games, dogs, and food trucks. You don't feel guilty for hanging out there for 2 hours.

This time, I got drunk. It's pretty unusual for me to drink. It was fun but not in a way that I want to do it regularly. In fact, it felt weird to drink. There's a big problem with addiction transfer for post op patients. You have a much higher risk of becoming an alcoholic if you start drinking within the first year of surgery. There's a lot of people I see that warn me of how they gained it all back because they started drinking. I've basically avoided the concept of drinking because I abused my liver with fat for so many years, I don't want to abuse it in a new way.

The next day, I was terrified I had ruined my body. But I didn't crave alcohol, I didn't feel like I needed more. As I sat there reexamining the pictures from the evening, I realized how much had changed over the years. My neighbor and I had a picture from 4 years prior. She was 30 lbs heavier and I was 100 lbs heavier. We looked so much happier now and then I saw the selfie I took with the hubs.

Talk about two different people. We are older, definitely but it was 8 years from when we took the selfie for an engagement photo. Since then, he's lost 100lbs and I have too. It's weird to look at those kids in the picture. Early to Mid 20s, excited and scared. I remember trying so hard to look pretty for the photos and he was goofing around which is unusual for him (sober). I look sad in the photo. I remember hating how I looked, how fat my neck was, how round my cheeks were. Even now, I look at that pretty young face with less scars and less wrinkles and see a sad girl.


Depression runs rampant in my family. It also tends to be higher in those with PCOS and morbid obesity....yay.... When I had the surgery, I was on medication for it. I'm no longer on medication to treat it. I will always struggle with it but daily walking does help a lot and yoga too. I tried these methods before but they didn't touch the darkness. I'm not sure if the change is been all related to the weight or the confidence in myself or just the chemicals in my brain in general but I look at these pictures as trophies. We've both come so far in the past 8 years. Who knows where we'll be in the next 8 years but hopefully, we'll still be happy and healthy!

I'm thankful for...

Every year, my husband's family holds hands and says why they're thankful. It's a tradition we love and hate. We have so much to be thankful for everyday and we acknowledge each other with love and compassion on a regular basis but I married into a family of total introverts. It also is the pressure of saying the right thing.

The Start of Hand Holding. photo by Yanxin Feng

This year, Thanksgiving was larger than previous years. We usually have the immediate family and the grandparents. This year, we had the pleasure of having his uncle and cousins too. Plus we hosted two students from China who had never experienced an American Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law issued the challenge of saying what we're thankful for in one word.

I thought about it all, what am I thankful for in one word?

• My husband is amazing and the best person I could have found. 
• I have a wonderful family both biological and in-laws. 
• Modern medicine saved my life (medications prior to surgery and surgery itself). 
• My animals are forever perfect in my world. 
• I have a good job, reliable cars, and a safe home. 

But more than anything, Vitamins...We take for granted normal absorption prior to surgery.  Post-op, regular blood tests tell us what we are lacking. Even with the 14 vitamins I've been taking daily, I was still low on Vitamin A and Vitamin D.

Vitamin A is commonly known for helping with vision but did you know it also helps with the immune system, reproduction, the heart, lungs, kidneys, and other vital organs...Learn More About Vitamin A Here

Vitamin D has been a more popular research vitamin over the past several years. Yes your body can make it from the sun but as a fair girl, I don't willingly bask in the sun too often. It's vital for calcium absorption but it also helps with the immune system! Learn More About Vitamin D Here

Post Op, those supplements are essential. Failure to abide by daily vitamin regimen and monitor levels could result in hair loss, tooth loss, organ failure, death....

Life after surgery is not for the weak. You are forever taking vitamins...I'm now up to 18/day until my Vitamin A and D get back to better ranges. I would rather take vitamins than medications!

I Still Got It

I've always hated my arms. I remember being in 4th grade and realizing my arms were fatter than other kids. To be fair, I was fatter than other kids. My grandmother had wings. We use to joke that if she would put her arms out the window when driving, it could fly the car...what little punks we were.

Never make fun of someone, you become them. I made fun of my mother's glasses and ended up as blind as her. I made fun of her butt and inherited it. I made fun of my grandmothers arms, and so I ended up with them.

Pudgy Arms 09.23.2017

I should have made fun of someone's rapid metabolism and beautiful toes....

Lessons are always learned the hard way.

While I've lost over 100lbs and several inches on my arms, they are still large. They are still flappy. I do yoga, I use an elliptical, I lift (less often than I should). But they are still flappy. I'll have the excess skin on my arms.

New Arms 11.06.2018

Instead of hating them, I should be embracing them. Nobody has a perfect body, everyone has something they want to change. If we continue to downplay ourselves and our accomplishments, we fail to recognize the person we've become. I was confident enough to want to wear sleeveless clothes even at 300+ pounds but now there's different type of confidence in me.

Embrace those imperfections because you're perfect just the way you are! Until next time ~KM.

Where do I belong?

I went to the gym last night. This is not anything unusual for me but there was an obvious new person working out. My gym is pretty small and I’ve gotten to know the regular 5:00 cardio crowd…

The Obsessive Girl: She normally does 1 very intense hour. Always tan, the perfect loose messy bun, always wears a bright sweat shirt and cute running pants. She does cardio to start and then does some smaller cardio in-between her routine for her weights-legs day 3 days a week, arms 3 days a week. She never misses even though you know she’s busy and always smiles with perfect white teeth as she loudly says “hello!” to those she’s recognized with her earphones still in her ears.

The Grumpy Old Man: He’s retired but still comes at the same time as when he use to work. He looks so serious on the elliptical or the bike. We’ve spoken once several months ago when some Lunks were dropping heavy weights. He continued to show signs of agitation and finally turned to me and said “Unbelievable!” as loudly as possible. Since then, we nod once in a while.

The Dedicated Petite Lady: She’s not naturally petite. She gets on the elliptical and runs while reading. Her blond hair is always up in a tight messy bun and her big blue eyes are searching for where to improve. She’s added weights to her routine now after several months of just cardio. She nods to the elliptical group occasionally but tends to stay to herself.

The Sweat Machine: He’s in his mid 40’s with a crew cut. Works out for hours a day and has lost over a hundred pounds. He’s terrified of gaining an ounce of it back and can’t see what he’s accomplished. His large t-shirt is drenched with sweat and his shorts are stuck to him because of it. Always wears tube socks pulled up and old sneakers that have been used to beyond their acceptable amount. He takes the spray bottle for wiping the machines down and puts it at his machine. He cleans it before but not after. It grosses us all out the amount of sweat that is left on the machine and annoys us all that he takes one of the 3 spray bottles strategically placed but we all are proud of him and won’t say anything to him. Even though the gym now has signs up to clean machines AFTER use, no one will say anything. He’s by far the most social of the group, saying hello to folks and complimenting people as they go. Telling people occasionally how proud he is of us.

The Big Builder: He’s got a scowl on his middle aged face and his thicker dirty blond hair is pulled back with a dark sweat band. He’s tall, really tall and heavy but never does regular cardio-occasionally a bike for 5 minutes to warm up. Lifts high power amounts at a time and stands around recovering and looking in the mirror for long periods of time. He has a plan. I haven’t figured it out yet but he has one. He never says hello, nods, or even smiles to the rest of us.

The Sweat Hard/ Try Hard/ Exhausted Newbie: She’s heavy and has lost weight but she tries so hard. She wears the loose fitting black pants and baggy t-shirt. And she’s always got the exhausted positive attitude. Unlike the rest of us, she uses a trainer. He tells her exactly what to start on and where to go and she follows. Even though you can see her tiredness as she sits on the bike for 5 minutes between medicine balls and ropes, she is focused. This time is her time. She is going to beat obesity. She’s lost weight in the past few months and is gaining confidence but asks the trainer about everything. She says hello occasionally but normally watches the trainer.

The Desperately Seeking His Youth Man: He’s short. He’s stout but dammit he’s going to get back into his college sweats. He’s clearly recently divorced but not bitter about it. He’s living up the single life now. He is loud and makes jokes but he’s on that treadmill when he wants to come. He’s the social butterfly making sure that everyone acknowledges his hello.

When I started going to this gym, I was 315lbs. I would do 20-30 minutes on the elliptical and I would go home. I would regularly go for about 3 weeks then not go for another month or two. Since the surgery, I’ve continued this regular off and on. I guess I’m the Scattered Attendance Girl.

But my routine has changed. I use to go in and only do the elliptical. There were 3 of them so Grumpy Old Man, Dedicated Petite Lady, and myself usually occupied them for the 5:00 hour. Now, I’ve changed it up. I ran on the treadmill last night. Dedicated Petite Lady was working on her arms, and Grumpy Old Man was on the bike. They looked lonely without us. Our ellipticals were free for the taking and the new girl got on one.

It started to make me wonder. We’re all in this ever evolving health/wellness/fitness world. What will a new person think of our crowd? Will they watch us? What is my position in this group to them? I don’t look like the dying morbidly obese woman I was once. I am still obese but JUST OBESE. Do they look at me and see me as just a chubby girl or am I more normal looking?

I often feel like I’m in disguise. People that are now meeting me can’t imagine me big. People that have known me for years that haven’t seen me in a while have a hard time believing it’s me. I still feel huge and tiny at the same time. I’m down to a 2x pants and they’re big. I can wear Large unisex shirts and XL women’s shirts. I feel like I’m faking this world. My closet is no longer 26/28’s but instead 18/20’s and I feel still so big. But yet, we’ll continue.

WT: 215.8...just Obese. Class 1 obese. 

Class 1 Obese. First time in 12 years. 10/18/19
(Sorry for the hair, it was midnight, I was crafting)

̷I̷'̷m̷ ̷n̷o̷ ̷l̷o̷n̷g̷e̷r̷ ̷a̷ ̷c̷o̷w̷.̷

I love rewriting songs sometimes. I find myself doing it in the shower most of the time but occasionally, after a difficult client, I do it to numb what I might have just seen or heard. Recently, I made a new version of Hey Ya and I got some flack from my best friend about one of my lines. Below is the modified version.

My tummy don’t mess around
Cause it holds five ounces
This I know fo sho!
But does it really wanna
But can’t wait too long or it will roar
Don’t try to fight the feeling
Because the thought of hunger is killin’ me right now
Thank God for Dr. Sharp
For cutting my tummy out
I’m healthy now
Heyyyyy yaaaa Heeyyy Yaa

In the original version, I said "Thank God for Dr. Sharp, I'm no longer a cow."

I laughed when I wrote it because I felt it was true. Over the past couple of months, I've started really feeling normal/small. I don't feel I stand out anymore. I'm just one of the folks.

I've always had an affinity for cows. I once wore a tiara and pointed to my head and said "um, seriously, I'm a dairy queen." It fit with the joke we were making at the time. When I was getting married, I made different invitations for different people. For one of my friends, I wrote "He's finally buying the cow!" and I didn't think anything of it.

I've also had comfort with the word fat. I think being afraid of a common word doesn't help anyone. I know enough Spanish to know that some of my clients have called me fat before, some have called me a cow.... It's okay.

When I was on Lexapro for depression, I gained 10lbs. I told my doctor that I was okay with the weight gain because "I'd rather be fat and happy than fat and miserable." She was so upset that I had used the word fat to describe myself. At 320lbs, there's no one that would call me thin or truly healthy. I would have friends try to say "You're not THAT big" but reality is I was very unhealthy. Even if I could dance, do the elliptical, do yoga, my body was sick. I was prediabetic(or diabetic depending on which chart you look at), hypertensive, depressed. My BMI was 51+.

Just because I was and still am fat (depending on who you ask...), I'd rather be called fat than morbidly obese. By trade, I can calculate BMI pretty well. I knew I was class 3 morbidly obese. To me, that's a lot more toxic to my head than being "fat" or a "cow." Why? because fat and cow or elephant or huge are all matter of opinion. I see someone that's my height and 220lbs as "so small!" but in reality, they're class 2 obese or "severely obese."

When someone says something that's mean, they should be ashamed of themselves. If someone says something in jest, I'm not offended. People often say "You're so skinny!" to someone as a compliment but you also hear people say it as an insult as if it's in disgust. I read a lot of weight loss posts where people complain that their family tell them they're getting too small or are too skinny and they tell them in disgust. That's just as bad as saying "You're so fat" in a mean way.

I guess what I think people should take away from this post is sometimes, it's okay to find humor in situations and don't take it all too seriously but be kind with your words. My friend that was hurt by the original wording is self conscious about her weight currently and because I saw it hurt her, I changed it. That's okay too because I would never want to willingly offend anyone.

Be kind. rewind.

WT: 220.6

Things I Miss About Being Fat

Yes, you read that right! There are actually things that I miss about the fat life. It's weird, when you're going through the process of weight loss surgery, you can't imagine anything better than the skinny life. You tell yourself "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels."  You look at the clothes and see that 2 or 3 at the first number and can't wait for the day for it to be a 1 or a single digit number. But the longer this life has gone on, the more I miss 3 things.

1) Being able to hide in public. There's an amazing amount of people that avoid eye contact when you're larger. First off, shame on them. If they don't do eye contact at all, cool, doesn't bother me. But there have been numerous times that I saw them make eye contact or smile to my skinnier friend and act like I wasn't in the room at all. As annoying as it was at the time, there are some days I miss it. There are days when you go out and you just want to be invisible. You want to go in a store and not be asked for help. You want to not be part of the crowd, you want to not exist. I'm not talking in a depressed kind of way but there are days we all just feel like we want to be alone. After I got below 230, it became harder and harder to avoid the eye contact. You also can't just look down because people say "Are you okay?" or some old man says "Smile, sweetie." Ugh...

2) The cushion in padding. HOLY CRAP. I totally underestimated the knottyness in bones. I'm a side sleeper and I have to have a pillow between my knees now. How do skinny people do this? I started needing that pillow by 280...I hate standing with my hands on my hips and feeling my hip bones. At first it was pretty cool, feeling them for the first time in ten years. Now, I want to wear padded pants so they aren't there. And that collar bone...I use to shrug my shoulders forward to see them...now I see them in all shirts. To be honest, I'm still fascinated by them unless I have to touch them. Oh dem bones dem bones.

3) Lastly and most importantly, a slice of pizza! At some point in my life, I'll be able to eat a full slice again. I truly took it for granted being able to go to a buffet, eat a slice of cheese and a slice of something else. I know I'm not suppose to eat pizza but occasionally, I want it. I've learned that it's better to eat something than to completely avoid it. Yes there are slider foods but life is too short to not eat a slice occasionally. It's one of my favorite foods, always has been and always will be. One day....maybe not a full slice like this but isn't it a beauty? Happy 2 years since this lovely slice.

Michelangelo's Pizza. Swansboro, NC 8.27.16

While I miss these things, there are so many more things I don't miss....Until next time! ~KM

WT: 225 lbs (-96lbs!!!!)

Vacation Numero Dos

Today, I'm recovering from a week of vacation.

My bonus family always goes to the outer banks for their annual vacation. Every year, I've been invited and I usually can't go for the whole week but this year, I was able! I get along swimmingly with my in laws. I hear these horror stories from people about how awful their sister in law is or their mother in law and I can't even imagine it.

The hubs comes from a big family, the oldest of 4. All of them are adults are now but when I started dating him, the baby was only 9. I love her so much and had the pleasure of watching her grown into this amazing woman. Whenever I suggest something crazy, she goes along with it and is big on family too. She pushes me to go outside my comfort zone as well. I might say no to hubs but I won't say no to her.

This week was a week of firsts for me. A couple of years ago, my newest sibling and I went on a random journey traveling around the island. It was stormy out and thank goodness because the lighthouse was closed. I didn't tell her then but I wasn't eligible for climbing it. I was over the 260lbs limit.

Bodie Lighthouse 2016

I was going to make the most of this trip and my goal was to climb a lighthouse! The siblings were all interested too which made my heart smile. We rushed there and bought our tickets. Had roughly an hour to waste so we drove into town and visited a fudge shop. While we were there, I ran into an old friend from 4-H (I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS! So great to see their success) who gave us some insight on climbing Jockey's Ridge. We had 20 minutes to climb it and get back down and to the truck...and we did it! When we got back to Bodie, the storms had rolled in and we couldn't climb it.

Top of Jockey's Ridge 2018

The next day, we went to Hatteras to climb...a much taller lighthouse. I did it!!! I hadn't climbed a lighthouse since I climbed Hatteras in 1994. At the top, I was tired but it was worth it.

Top of Hatteras 2018

Baby sister had rented bikes for the week. She had not ridden a bike in a few years and I had not ridden a bike since I was her age soooooooo....At one point in the week, I started to feel dehydrated and said I was going to go to the store and she said "I'll go! We can take the bikes!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, I rode a bike over a mile for a Powerade Zero. Yes...I didn't die. I didn't fall. I did grip those handlebars as tightly as possible and I almost was attacked by a family of geese but I didn't die!

My method for carrying a drink

Our adventures didn't stop there! We went out to Ocracoke and visited the lighthouse there as well as walked around the area. I sat at an outdoor table without the fear of it breaking.

But the craziest part for me was looking at comparisons...I looked over and my sister and hubs were wearing the same shirts from a year prior so we recreated the photo. Family photos are no longer a mental struggle for me!

2017 vs 2018

While I still need to focus on doing better sometimes, I also need to rejoice in how far I've come!


WT: 247 lbs....(-74lbs!) UNDER 250!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since 2009!!!!

What's my weight again?

Can we cue that to some Blink 182 music?

I went out, it was a Friday night. 
I wore a dress, cause I was feeling light. 
We started eating food and I wish I had sweatpants 
But then I realized I was full....

And that's about the time it got away from me
Nobody likes you stupid tummy
And you're in pain with only seven bites 
What the hell is steatorrhea
I feel like I should weigh again
What's my weight again? 

Last week, I went on vacation. I went on A CRUISE! It was my first cruise, not my last. I had an amazing time but the main reason, I challenged myself. Over the past 10 years, I have not lived. I've been putzing through the world on autopilot and sure I would die by 40-45. I have a fear of rides but this cruise ship had a crazy slide I knew I needed to try. You had to weigh under 275 to do it. The day I left, I was 255.

Day 1, too chicken. Day 2, too chicken. Day 3, too chicken (see my pattern). Day 4....brave enough. Why not do it now? I see these kids having a great time. I knew the rules, nothing that could scratch the slide, weigh less than 275. I climb the three flights of stairs, go past the kiddy slide, go past the adult slide, get to the monster free fall slight, wait, wait wait. Watching everyone, I knew what to expect, cross arms lay back, scream a little. Finally my turn, I walk up towards the side I would be on and the guy says "wait. get on the scale." Slightly mortified, but I knew I was under the limit. 255. Whew. He looks me over and says "No hairclips, go down the green slide (The slide the next level down)."

Okay, I missed my clip for my bangs. Foolish... but the girl in front of me with braids had beads in her hair, he didn't weigh her or make her take them out. Fine. I go down the adult slide.

Again, I climb back up, no hair clip in now. Wait wait wait. "Get on the scale." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I was 20 pounds under. I get on. 257. He rolls his eyes and examines me for a reason not to let me go again. Then hesitantly, opens the door for me to climb in. I listen to the instructions, cross my arms, take a deep breath, and wait for the bottom to fall out from below me.

It was terrifying but I did it.

What I took away from this experience is that people can still be asses but I can't change them. They utilize whatever slight power they have to knock you down. He had no idea I had lost 60lbs. He had no idea that this was a huge step for me. He had no idea that I had weighed myself almost daily for two weeks ensuring I was still under 275. There was no reason to deny me and my weight was not holding me back. TAKE THAT GUY.  But more importantly, don't be afraid of a number. Worst that could have happened was I was denied and I'd have to wait for another chance one day. He made me feel big again and yeah, I'm still big...but he made me feel huge. There were people all around me that were probably my weight. A gentleman that was taller than me and probably closer to the 275...not weighed. The girl beside me that was shorter but wider...not weighed. I was targeted and after while it was frustrating at the time, there was a slight confidence in my step when I got on that scale each time knowing it wouldn't be my weight holding me back.

More and more events will happen in my life where my weight will no longer hold me back but it's up to me to remember how far I've come.

In other cool news, I held a sloth...I snorkeled...I parasailed...I swam with dolphins and manatees...I visited ruins. I did the works! I ate around the clock to get my protein in and...I lost weight!

Ruins, Parasailing with Sister, Slothing, Snorkel with Sister, Riding a Dolphin

Now, back to work for another week before my next vacation :)