I cried today

I can sometimes have a difficult job.  It's not hard physically but emotionally.  This week,  I had to counsel a kid that was impregnated by rape by a relative. Not an adult or a teen,  a kid. 

I've had to counsel 4 pregnant children in my years there. It is never easy and always draining but this was my hardest one because I had her as a toddler.  I remembered her as a 4 year old.  I even remembered her from last summer when she came in with her younger siblings.  I've known her for 10 years and had no idea she was in danger of any sorts. 

Each sad situation always leaves a scar on my heart but this cut the deepest.  Knowing that there was nothing I can do to make it better for her.  I cannot imagine what she has been through and faced more in her years than anyone ever should.  Her innocence was taken from her way too young.  I kept thinking "I was still playing with barbies then."

I don't usually cry in my job.  I often forget what happened at the office by the time I get home.  It's not that I'm cold hearted or unsympathetic,  it's just how I've learned to adjust and cope. After this child left, I cried. I cried at work. I cried in the car. I cried at home. I am still tearing up thinking about her. It wasn't nonstop crying but it was random outburst of tears. My husband and I were suppose to have a date night and I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out in public because my heart was aching so bad for her. 

For many years,  I ate my feelings. Now, that option is unavailable. I turned to online shopping as a method of coping. Before I knew who the girl was that I would be counseling, I was informed that I had an 11 year old. I ended up buying the dishes in Georgia. After the counseling session, I bought salt shakers and almost bought another set of dishes I would have to get from West Virginia....

Eventually, I pulled myself together. I started thinking of other ways to help her and her family. What options did we have in public health that would get her the help she needs. Could I find coloring books for the siblings? Could I gather money or sponsors for a gift card for the mom?

Sometimes we have to recenter. We have to be mindful and reflect but also be logical and understanding your own triggers. When I feel like I have no control in a situation, I turned to something I could control, food...shopping...Each challenge brings a new area to work on and I think I'll forever be working on something about myself.

Until next time
WT: 205.2