If I were a ̶b̶o̶y̶

So the fasting has been going pretty well. I definitely have room for improvement but it's easier when I go to work. I get my unsweet tea in the morning then drink on it and water for a few hours. Around 9-10, my stomach growls but I tell it to quiet down some. By noon, I have been trying to eat and go for a walk. The challenge is going to be the holidays. My mom loves to cook and feed us. She is an outstanding cook but I have a hard time saying no to good food. 

To cope with the stress of the candy and popcorn exposure at work, I've been working on some of my songs. For some reason, Beyonce popped into my playlist earlier and it make me think a smidgen. I've never thought about what it would be like to be a boy or a man. I know that I would have my own challenges but men and women think differently. What I have thought about is how much would be different if I was naturally thin. 

If I were skinny

Even just for a day

I’d roll out of bed in the morning

And throw on cute clothes and go

Eat junk with the guys

And shop with the girls

I’d buy what I wanted

and never get confronted

cause no one would ever know

If I were skinny

I think I could understand

How it feels to be a big girl

I swear I’d have a better plan

I’d be nice to everyone

Cause I know how it hurts

When you’re blamed for every taste

And judged for every outfit

Even though you’ve always tried

There's so much research out there about how people think fat people are lazy and just don't try hard enough. I can tell you that I've had my own personal moments where I blame everything on my laziness. There are times I could have tried harder but I also believe in destiny. I think I needed to be larger in my younger years. I'm a pretty girl and I'm very social. If I had been skinny in college, I believe I would have gotten into more trouble. I would have not valued my friends as much and they are my second family. I think I was destined to be larger to have more empathy for other people. I was told years ago I couldn't have kids and I'm a nutritionist with low income pregnant and postpartum women. I can empathize with so many of my clients for some of the struggles they've faced. 

I also think I wouldn't value challenges as much. I saw this weight loss as the next part of my life. I had almost finished grad school when I decided it was time. I'm an obsessive person so I needed something new to obsess on for a while. Everything does happen for a reason and while I know the feeling of being a big girl, I also know I don't regret a single thing in my life. All of it has led me to where I am now, to who I've become, and to the life I've developed. 

If I had been smaller, I would have never gotten so close to Brooke and formed a long lasting friendship. If I had not been friends with Brooke, I would not have met Bran, we would not have the life we've built. I know he would have found another girl but I think I've made him a better person and we've adopted two wonderful dogs that bring us great joy. I can't imagine where their lives would be or if they would have made it to adoption because one is a jerk....my favorite jerk though. 

So while it's sad to read the lyrics of the song, I'm glad I wasn't naturally thin. I'm glad I've had the struggles I've faced and I'm happy to be me. 

But it would be nice to get below 200 one day ;) 

Where's that motivation?

Recently, I’ve been all aboard the diet struggle bus. I know there are lots of people on this ride but it’s hitting me hard. I’ve gained 4lbs in the past two weeks. My weight fluctuates a lot, up 2, down three, up one, down one. It can’t make up its mind but this is the first time it’s up and staying up. It’s gone up one pound, then two, then four.

So what is a girl to do? Focus on the negative? Not getting all my protein in, eating too many carbs, slacking on my exercise?

Yeah, I did all that.

But I also want to look at what I’m doing right. I’m being honest with myself. I weigh 215lbs today. That’s my highest in a month. 2 weeks ago, I almost broke that 210 barrier.

Today, I attempted my first intermittent fast. It went well, I didn’t die. I broke the fast at 12:02pm. But in my hunger, I ate something I shouldn’t eat…popcorn. That’s okay though! I went for a walk and got better choices in my Chipotle’s Kids meal. I ate all my salsa which is essentially veggies in my world. I also ate all my beans and I didn’t get a big bag of chips, I ate the tiny bag (10 whole chips!). I didn’t eat it quickly, I took my time, savored my meal. Sadly, I ate more popcorn after…

My goal was originally go to my favorite vinyl store after work. It closes at 6pm but instead, I’m going to hit up the gym. Remind myself that it’s okay to enjoy the run. Then I’ll go home and enjoy crafting a bit.

I prepared this morning. I brought 2 protein shakes and was going to have one to break my fast. I prepared for my nourishment but I didn’t prepare for the foods people would be bringing into work.  Tomorrow I will be better prepared. Drink the shake before leaving my office even if it means going to lunch later. 

We have a plan. Repeat: WE HAVE A PLAN.

Time to get with it!

On a more positive note: This is the difference in a year! We have an abundance of short people in our group of friends and I tend to be in the back of the photos. This time I wanted to be seen!

Stewart Family Tree Trimming Group Shot 2017 to 2018